The Nervous System in Love: The Research
Love,
measured.
What 18
studies show.
Eighteen peer-reviewed studies on good relationships, being kind to yourself and what a broken heart does to a body, and what each one can and can’t tell you.
Every study is labeled by how it was run and carries a fine-print line on its limits. Each set of three ends in one practice you can do today. No lock, no email.
Eighteen hearts, stamped.
Every study on this page as a candy heart. Each row is one question. The color is how the study was run. The size is how many people were in it, so you can tell fifteen people in a scanner from 3.4 million in a pooled review at a glance.
fewer peoplemore peopledashed: the study’s headline number counts minutes or experiments, not people
The broken heart, admitted.
There is a real diagnosis nicknamed broken heart syndrome. Doctors call it takotsubo. In 2015 an international registry published 1,750 cases, and the nickname turned out to be about a quarter right.
The same heartbeat, three ways
A healthy squeezeThe whole chamber narrows.
TakotsuboThe base squeezes. The tip balloons.
The potA Japanese octopus trap.
The dashed line is the chamber relaxed. In takotsubo the left ventricle, the heart’s main pump, stops squeezing at its tip and bulges instead. On a scan the shape looked so much like a takotsubo, the narrow-necked pot Japanese fishermen use to catch octopus, that the name stuck.
Nine in ten were women (89.8%), and the average age was 66.8. This is mostly a condition of women past menopause, not of the newly dumped.
Takotsubo arrives looking like a heart attack, and from the outside nobody can tell them apart. Chest pain or pressure, shortness of breath, or pain spreading to an arm or the jaw means call 911 now. Heartbroken or not.
Templin et al. (2015), New England Journal of Medicine, 373(10), 929–938, doi.org/10.1056/NEJMoa1406761. The International Takotsubo Registry: 26 centers in Europe and the United States. The three trigger percentages, the share of women and the average age are the paper’s own figures; “both” is the remainder, worked out here. The paper also reports that severe in-hospital complications, including shock and death, were about as common as in patients with a heart attack. Doctors describe the condition as usually temporary. Temporary is not the same as harmless. Education, not medical advice.
How long it takes.
Seven experiments from this page, lined up by how much time they asked of people. The bars are on a log scale, so a few minutes and nine weeks fit on one line. Pick a row to open the study.
Minutesbought a change you could measure the same hour. The effects that were still showing up months later asked for a week or more. Nothing here was tested as a one-time fix.
The honest number.
One study can flatter an idea. A meta-analysis pools every study it can find, and that is where the hype usually shrinks. Here is what three of them say. Pick one to see what an effect that size looks like.
For any one person, the pooled link between a good marriage and health runs from r = .07 to .21. The reviewers put that in the same range as the link between health habits like diet and health outcomes. Nobody calls diet a small thing.
Across 3.4 million people, isolation went with a 29% higher likelihood of dying during the study, loneliness with 26% and living alone with 32%. The authors rank it alongside well-established risk factors.
Across 27 randomized trials, self-compassion training beat the comparison groups on eleven outcomes. And across 20 samples, more self-compassionate people reported far less anxiety, depression and stress (r = −.54). That second one is a correlation, not a cure.
Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton (2010), PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316, doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316 · Robles et al. (2014) and Holt-Lunstad et al. (2015) are on this page · Ferrari, Hunt, Harrysunker, Abbott, Beath & Einstein (2019), Mindfulness, 10(8), 1455–1473, doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6 · MacBeth & Gumley (2012), Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545–552, doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003. The reviews not on this page are context for the eighteen studies below; they are not counted among them.
All eighteen, in full.
Six questions, three studies each. Every card says what the researchers did, what they found, and what the study can’t tell you. Each set ends with one practice.
Find your prescription. What’s true right now?
Question 1 of 6
The Long Bond
Do good relationships keep you alive?
29%
higher likelihood of dying during the study for people who were socially isolated. Loneliness: 26%. Living alone: 32%.
Being alone too much is a health risk, whether or not it feels lonely.
What they did
Pooled 70 studies that followed more than 3.4 million people and recorded who died.
What they found
Isolation, loneliness and living alone each predicted earlier death. Feeling lonely counted about as much as being measurably alone. The authors place the risk alongside well-established risk factors for mortality.
Fine printObservational studies, pooled. Sicker people can also become more isolated, so some of the arrow runs backward.
Holt-Lunstad, Smith, Baker, Harris & Stephenson (2015). Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237. doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352
126
published papers, fifty years of them, on how the quality of a marriage tracks with physical health
It’s the quality of the marriage, not the ring.
What they did
Pooled 126 papers, covering more than 72,000 people, that linked how good a marriage is (satisfaction, warmth, low hostility) to physical health, from blood pressure to survival.
What they found
Better marriages went with better health. The effects were small (r = .07 to .21) and included a lower risk of death (r = .11). The authors compare the size to the links between health habits such as diet and health outcomes.
Fine printSmall effects, and correlational. A few outcomes showed signs of publication bias. Married couples only.
Robles, Slatcher, Trombello & McGinn (2014). Psychological Bulletin, 140(1), 140–187. doi.org/10.1037/a0031859
60%
the healing rate of blister wounds in the most hostile couples, compared with the least hostile
A hard conversation slowed down a healing wound.
What they did
42 married couples checked into a hospital research unit twice. Each time they were given small blister wounds on the forearm. On one visit they talked about support. On the other, about a disagreement.
What they found
Wounds healed more slowly after the conflict visit than after the supportive one. Couples who were hostile on both visits healed at 60% of the rate of low-hostility couples.
Fine print42 healthy couples in one lab. A staged disagreement is not your kitchen at 11 p.m.
Kiecolt-Glaser, Loving, Stowell, Malarkey, Lemeshow, Dickinson & Glaser (2005). Archives of General Psychiatry, 62(12), 1377–1384. doi.org/10.1001/archpsyc.62.12.1377
Your prescription
The Three-Breath Hug
The big reviews say connection is a health behavior, like sleep. Start with the smallest unit of it: one unhurried hug a day, held for three slow breaths.
Question 2 of 6
The Small Things
What do close couples actually do?
79
dating couples, filmed sharing good news and bad news with each other
How your partner takes your good news says more than how they take your bad.
What they did
79 dating couples were filmed taking turns talking about recent good and bad events. Two months later the researchers checked who was still together.
What they found
How a partner responded to good news was more closely tied to the couple’s well-being, and to whether they had broken up two months later, than how they responded to bad news.
Fine printDating couples, and two months is a short follow-up. Observed, not assigned.
Gable, Gonzaga & Strachman (2006). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 904–917. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.904
32%
of the protective effect of feeling supported was accounted for by hugs
People who were hugged more caught fewer colds under stress.
What they did
404 healthy adults reported their conflicts and hugs by phone for 14 evenings. Then researchers exposed them to a cold virus and watched them in quarantine.
What they found
More conflict meant more infections, but less so for people who felt supported and for people who were hugged often. Among those who did get infected, more hugs went with milder signs of illness.
Fine printHugs were counted, not assigned. People who get hugged a lot may differ in other ways. Nobody timed the hugs.
Cohen, Janicki-Deverts, Turner & Doyle (2015). Psychological Science, 26(2), 135–147. doi.org/10.1177/0956797614559284
45 min
of taking turns with questions that get more personal as they go
Closeness can be built on purpose, in under an hour.
What they did
Pairs of strangers spent 45 minutes on tasks and questions that slowly got more personal. Other pairs spent the same time on small talk.
What they found
The pairs who traded personal answers ended up feeling closer than the small-talk pairs. Whether partners agreed on important issues, or expected to like each other, made no significant difference.
Fine printStrangers, one sitting, closeness measured right afterward. It was never a recipe for falling in love.
Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone & Bator (1997). Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003
Your prescription
The Good News Drill
Closeness is built in small, boring moments: how you answer good news, whether you ask a second question. Practice the answer that the research favors.
Question 3 of 6
Kind to Yourself
Does going easy on yourself make you soft?
8 weeks
of Mindful Self-Compassion training, tested against a waitlist
Self-compassion can be trained.
What they did
52 adults were randomly assigned to an eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion course (25 people) or a waitlist (27).
What they found
The course group gained more self-compassion, mindfulness and life satisfaction than the waitlist, with a large effect on self-compassion itself.
Fine printA small trial, about 80% women, compared with a waitlist and not another course, and run by the two people who created the program.
Neff & Germer (2013). Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923
4
experiments on what people do after a mistake, a weakness or a failed test
Self-compassion made people work harder, not less.
What they did
Across four experiments, people faced a personal weakness, a moral slip or a failed test. Some were prompted to respond to it with kindness and understanding.
What they found
The self-compassion groups believed more strongly that the weakness could change, wanted more to make amends, and spent more time studying for a second hard test after failing the first.
Fine printShort lab tasks. Motivation in the next hour is not the same as change over a year.
Breines & Chen (2012). Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
11 min
of a self-compassion recording was enough to change heart rate and sweat response
Being kind to yourself calmed the body, not just the mood.
What they did
135 students were randomly assigned to one of five 11-minute recordings: two self-compassion exercises, a rumination task, a neutral one or an upbeat one.
What they found
Only the self-compassion recordings lowered heart rate and skin conductance and raised heart rate variability. The upbeat recording improved mood too, but without the calmer body.
Fine printHealthy students, one session, effects measured on the spot.
Kirschner, Kuyken, Wright, Roberts, Brejcha & Karl (2019). Clinical Psychological Science, 7(3), 545–565. doi.org/10.1177/2167702618812438
Your prescription
The Kind Minute
The fear is that self-compassion is a hall pass. The experiments point the other way. Two minutes, one hand on your chest, three sentences.
Question 4 of 6
Love as a Practice
Can you practice love like a skill?
7 weeks
of loving-kindness meditation, in a field experiment with working adults
Practicing goodwill raised everyday positive emotion, and that built other things.
What they did
139 working adults were randomly assigned to begin a loving-kindness meditation practice or to wait.
What they found
Daily positive emotions rose over the weeks. That rise predicted more mindfulness, purpose and social support and fewer illness symptoms, which in turn predicted higher life satisfaction and fewer depressive symptoms.
Fine printA waitlist comparison built on self-reports. The gains were gradual and took weeks to show.
Fredrickson, Cohn, Coffey, Pek & Finkel (2008). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(5), 1045–1062. doi.org/10.1037/a0013262
Minutes
a few of them, spent on loving-kindness meditation, tested against a closely matched task
A few minutes of well-wishing made strangers feel closer.
What they did
In a lab, people did a brief guided loving-kindness exercise or a closely matched control task, then were asked how they felt about people they had never met.
What they found
The loving-kindness group felt more connected and more positive toward the strangers, both on direct ratings and on an implicit measure.
Fine printOne short session in a lab. Warm feelings toward a stranger are not the same as how you treat one.
Hutcherson, Seppala & Gross (2008). Emotion, 8(5), 720–724. doi.org/10.1037/a0013237
7 nights
of writing yourself a kind letter, with check-ins for six months afterward
A week of kind letters to yourself was still paying off months later.
What they did
More than 200 adults logged on seven nights in a row. Some wrote themselves a compassionate letter about something upsetting, some an optimistic one, and a control group wrote about an early memory.
What they found
Both letter groups were less depressed for up to three months and happier at six months.
Fine printOnline volunteers and self-reported mood. People the researchers scored as extremely needy did not get the same lift.
Shapira & Mongrain (2010). The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5(5), 377–389. doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2010.516763
Your prescription
Rings of Goodwill
Loving-kindness is the oldest practice on this page and one of the best studied. Three minutes, a few plain wishes, starting with yourself and moving outward.
Question 5 of 6
Heartbreak Is Physical
Why does it actually hurt?
40
people, scanned within six months of a breakup they did not want
A photo of your ex and painful heat on your arm lit up some of the same places.
What they did
40 people who felt intensely rejected after a recent unwanted breakup lay in a scanner. They looked at a photo of their ex while thinking about the rejection, and separately felt painful heat on the arm.
What they found
Both lit up areas that handle the sensory side of physical pain (the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula), not only the areas that handle distress.
Fine printOverlap in brain regions is not proof that the two feelings are the same thing. These participants were chosen because they felt intensely rejected.
Kross, Berman, Mischel, Smith & Wager (2011). PNAS, 108(15), 6270–6275. doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1102693108
15
people, recently rejected and still in love, scanned while looking at the person who left
Rejection in love looks a lot like craving.
What they did
10 women and 5 men who had recently been rejected, and said they were still intensely in love, looked at a photo of that person in a scanner.
What they found
The photo activated reward and motivation areas (the ventral tegmental area and ventral striatum) and areas tied to craving and to regulating emotion. The more time since the breakup, the weaker the response in an attachment-related area.
Fine printFifteen people. A scan shows where, not what it feels like. “Addiction” is the authors’ comparison, drawn from overlap with cocaine-craving studies.
Fisher, Brown, Aron, Strong & Mashek (2010). Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60. doi.org/10.1152/jn.00784.2009
89.8%
of 1,750 people with takotsubo (“broken heart”) syndrome were women. Average age: 66.8.
Broken heart syndrome is real, and usually it isn’t heartbreak.
What they did
26 hospitals in Europe and the United States pooled records on 1,750 patients with takotsubo cardiomyopathy, a sudden weakening of the heart’s main pumping chamber.
What they found
An emotional trigger came first in 27.7% of cases, a physical one such as illness or surgery in 36.0%, and 28.5% had no clear trigger. Severe in-hospital complications were about as common as in heart attack patients.
Fine printA registry describes who turns up at specialist centers. It can’t tell you how likely heartbreak is to cause this.
Templin, Ghadri, Diekmann, Napp, Bataiosu, Jaguszewski et al. (2015). New England Journal of Medicine, 373(10), 929–938. doi.org/10.1056/NEJMoa1406761
Your prescription
Name the Ache
If rejection runs through pain and craving circuits, treat it like something physical. Locate it, breathe with it, and stop poking it with their photos.
Question 6 of 6
How Hearts Mend
What actually helps?
87
newly single people, randomly assigned to write about their breakup in one of three ways
Writing about what the breakup made possible lifted mood without stirring up the hurt.
What they did
87 people who had recently been through a breakup were randomly assigned to write about its positive side, its negative side or a neutral topic.
What they found
Only the positive-writing group gained in positive emotions, with no rise in negative ones. It worked best when the breakup had been mutual.
Fine printMostly women (62 of 87), a short follow-up, and it measured emotions, not recovery.
Lewandowski (2009). The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(1), 21–31. doi.org/10.1080/17439760802068480
210
young adults fresh from a breakup, followed for nine weeks
Being asked about the breakup, again and again, helped people find themselves.
What they did
210 recently separated young adults were assigned to four in-depth visits over nine weeks (120 people) or just a first and a last check-in (90).
What they found
The four-visit group regained a clearer sense of who they were without their partner. That clearer sense of self explained drops in loneliness and in how much the breakup intruded on daily life.
Fine printThe researchers don’t know which part of the visits did the work, and no other differences between the groups showed up.
Larson & Sbarra (2015). Social Psychological and Personality Science. First published January 6, 2015. doi.org/10.1177/1948550614563085
4 min
of talking about the separation was all the judges needed to rate each person’s self-compassion
People who were kinder to themselves about the divorce hurt less, nine months on.
What they did
109 divorcing adults talked for four minutes, stream-of-consciousness, about their separation. Four judges rated how self-compassionate each recording sounded.
What they found
Higher self-compassion went with less divorce-related intrusion into daily life at the start, and the gap was still there up to nine months later, after accounting for other traits.
Fine printSelf-compassion was observed here, not taught, so this can’t show that practicing it speeds recovery.
Sbarra, Smith & Mehl (2012). Psychological Science, 23(3), 261–269. doi.org/10.1177/0956797611429466
Your prescription
The Silver Lining Draft
Three things showed up in the mending studies: writing about what the ending made room for, rebuilding a sense of “me”, and being kind to yourself about all of it.
This page is education, not medical or mental health care. The studies are summarized in plain language and each one links to its source.
Chest pain or trouble breathing: call 911.
If you are thinking about ending your life, or you are in crisis: call or text 988 (the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, United States).
If you are afraid of your partner: the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. None of the relationship practices here are meant for a relationship that isn’t safe.